Couples Therapy/Communications

Are you looking for a therapist because you are in a marriage or relationship that either feels dead or, at the other end of the spectrum, is just about anger?

There is little that is more emotionally painful than sharing your life with someone and not being able to connect with that person in a good way. It can seem like when you try to talk to him or her, it doesn’t go the way you had hoped. After awhile, you might stop trying.

But that doesn’t mean that the ache to do so, to reach that person, has stopped. If that ache is still there, that’s probably why you’re reading this now. That ache is the good news. The ache is about hope — hope that there’s a chance that the embers of what this relationship once was can be awakened, and brought to roaring life once more.

Lest that sound like a romance novel, let me add that bringing that relationship to life again takes work. Movies and romance novels tend to gloss over that part.

THE WORK:

Communication, Communication: I’ve worked with couples for more than 17 years and the most common problem that I see is communication. Partners don’t know how to talk/listen to each other.

The same two people who once spent hours on the phone when they first met, or long evenings sharing their lives at the beginning of their relationship, now talk only about the kids, their relatives, or their work, or sadly, not even that.

So, doing couples work with me, first will be about making sure that you can talk to each other, and more importantly, that you can listen. Americans are notoriously bad at the latter. We’re sure we know what the other person is going to say, and in order to expedite the exchange (time is money, you know), we fill in the next few paragraphs in our minds — not really hearing what our partner is saying.

The companies that do well in the market are those that listen to their consumers. The relationships that do well have the same essential component.

Issues or A Subscription: We’ll also explore the issues that result in conflict in your relationship and how you can negotiate them. Sometimes those issues go back years and we’ll look at repetitive patterns in each partner’s life and who the role models for those were/are. The more we make conscious, the more we have access to change. So before you come in for that first session, think about those issues and where else they have surfaced in your life and other relationships.

Such as — if you find yourself as the major caretaker in this relationship, where else have you played that role? With whom?

Orientation: I use Control Mastery theory as a way of understanding how to help individuals and couples heal. However, when working with couples or families, I also incorporate Family Systems theory, John Gottman’s work on couples, the work of Gay and Kathryn Hendricks, and Sue Johnson. Attachment Theory — that is, how we learned to relate to our caregivers from birth — also underpins my work with all clients. Also, how we learned to regulate our emotional responses (again taught to us mostly by our primary caregivers) is a key to good relationships and thus part of the work that we will do together. If you didn’t have ideal role models in these areas, don’t despair. These are learnable skills at any age.

Fee: My fee is $155/session for couples or family work.

Frequency of Sessions: Initially, I will want to see you and your partner once a week for 50 minutes. Typically, couples work averages about six months — sometimes shorter, sometimes longer.

There are times when I might want to see each of you in an individual session or sessions to help work through something that keeps surfacing in the couples work. There are times when I might bring a couple in for two sessions, back to back, in order to work through something that seems to be stalling us. All of this, however, is on a case by case basis. I don’t do cookie-cutter therapy.

I want you and your partner to have the best relationship possible. My hope is that you will want that too.

To Schedule an Appointment:
408-486-9202
therapist@beaarmstrong.com